Author Archives: OneFunnyDaddy

Pissed Off? Or Pissed ON?

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That Poor Man…
Team 3 enjoyed a fun-filled afternoon of appliance shopping! What could be more exciting than deciding between a side-by-side, or french door type refrigerator?
Mama-San was taking care of asking all the important questions, while I was flying Jake around the store like a little Iron Man. Apparently, I zigged while I should have zagged, and Jake managed to flood his diaper with 3 parts hot piss, and one part nutty fudge! 
First, I noticed a slight odor. Then my worst fear was realized when looked down to see my jacket soaked! Thank God, I only got hit with the Number One!!! 
Luckily, we never travel without a spare get-up for the “Mad Pisser”. He was changed out and back in the store within minutes. Mama J and I are like a Nascar pit crew when
it comes to changing this little shit now. 
The salesman caught a laugh from the ordeal, and so did we. But from now on, I’m carrying a spare get-up with me too. My jacket still smells like piss!:)

Merry Christmas! (NO, I’m Not Drunk!:)

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Little tech-junkies:)
Tonight, my Aunt hosted the annual (and obviously belated) GAG Gift Christmas exchange! What better chance to take light-hearted jabs at your own family members, or just be flat out gross!? 
I received a squeezable container of delicious Cuban Black Bean Bisque. Nothing funny or gross about that, right? Not until you’re instructed to squeeze it into a bowl as quickly as possible. The squishy, farting sounds made as you discharge what could easily be mistaken for dog crap just so happens to be both funny and gross at the same time! Mission accomplished. 
My wife, the giftee, received a note stating that the gifter had came upon an extra iPad through their business and decided to pay it forward. Little did she know, that “iPad” was actually a huge, moose-crotch sized maxi-pad with a big “I” drawn on it. Another great success!
Yes, sense of humor runs on both sides of our family. It’s no surprise that Jake’s latest habit is laughing until he actually turns red in the face. I’m not exactly sure what he’s laughing AT yet? But I love it!

Long Time, No See!!!

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Wazzup!?!? It’s been over a week since my last futile attempt at a post. See, work has been crazy. (Remember, I work shit, I mean shift work:) I haven’t had many days off since Christmas. And since I haven’t been home to see Jake very much, I didn’t have many stories to tell. I assumed he’d be dating and have pubes by now, but I wasn’t sure. I also assumed that you were tired of hearing my little old stories about being a Dad. Yet, two people in the last week asked “Why haven’t you been writing?, and said “Just keep doing it!” So here I am…
I CAN NOT believe how much this little monkey has evolved in only 3 weeks!!! Spitting out syllables like a midget rapper! Chasing me around the room in his walker chair! Bopping his head to music! We played “catch” with his rubber ball! And for the first time, he took my big-boy drum sticks and did the “right-left-right-left” on his drum! 
This kid never ceases to amaze me. He’s always changing. Getting bigger, smarter, stronger, more animated…
OH! I forgot something to add to the “first” list! He somehow learned to wrap his arms around our necks and give us great big hugs. I love that little monkey:)

The Hard Part Begins…

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There it is. ‘Jake 365’. 23 pages, single spaced, size 10 font. There are a LOT of words packed into those pages! It took a year to complete, and I feel like that was easy compared to the project ahead. 
I have so many ideas on how to lay it out. I think I’m going to use mypublisher.com for the actual printing. The good news is, there is no deadline. I can tweak and revise until I’m blue in the sack. An even bigger relief is, I’ve already hired my Editor…. 

 

You’d Betta Eat Ya Mutha F**kin’ Veggies, Kid!

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Now that IS a TASTY BURGER!



“Well, if you like burgers, give ’em a try sometime. I can’t usually get ’em myself because my girlfriend’s a vegetarian which pretty much makes me a vegetarian. But I do love the taste of a good burger. Mm-mm-mm.” – Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction 

I can totally identify with Mr. Jackson’s quote. My wife is what I would call 98% vegan. I think the only reason she adds meat to most recipes is to appease me. She could eat a huge salad every night for dinner, while I’d prefer a steak with some bacon on the side. It may be the reason she can wear the same clothes she did in high school, while I’m built like Chaz Bono.

I have to admit though, it’s starting to wear off on me. I’ve been making a conscious effort to add more fruits and vegetables to my diet. After only a couple weeks, I really do feel better, and my man tits are down almost a full cup size! I never knew celery could taste so good if it wasn’t stuck to a huge glob of peanut butter with some raisins in it!

Jake’s hooked too. Don’t get me wrong, he likes him some chicken. But how many kids eat cauliflower and broccoli without projectile vomiting it back in your face? I know I didn’t! It makes me feel good to know he’s getting the most nutritious food possible. Each week we have a huge box of organic fruits and veggies delivered to the house. It’s actually less expensive than if you purchased the individual items at Walmart. And it’s like Christmas each week because they always throw in a few surprises. So rather than sugary treats for desert, Jake gets an apple or yogurt with some berries or nannas in it. He loves it! 

This whole “eating cleaner thing” feels great! But I’ll never go full Vegan. I have to say, I just like the taste of meat in my mouth sometimes. Wait! What I meant was…



So, Now What?

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I never dreamed Penelope Cruz would visit my blog!!!;)

Happy New Year my friends! I hope this finds you safe in the comforts of home, and not locked in a jail cell all hungover with your butt-hole throbbing. I spent the biggest party night of the year at work, So, I’m glad to say that I am writing this from the comforts of home. (So why is MY butt-hole throbbing?)

I know I’ve been slacking lately. A puzzling loss of direction mixed with the 80 hour work week has put a damper on my play time here. No excuses, just sayin’… Now that I’ve finished Jake 365, I’m kind of at a loss on which way this crazy thing is supposed to go? My winter project is to work on Jake’s book. Other than seeing some stats on here, I have no real idea if people actually read what I’m posting? I started this thinking the site would become a discussion board. But so far, most of the action’s on Facebook. I guess I’m at a crossroads? 
This has become such a fun, therapeutic habit for me that I can’t see NOT doing it anymore. This may just be the perfect chance to take this site to a new level? I have been so focused on talking about Jake and my experiences, that I’ve gotten away from keeping this about the parents and the funny business we deal with everyday! 
When people ask, “what’s your New Year’s resolution?”, I don’t really answer. Why make a one time promise to yourself to try and achieve some goal that you only half-heartedly came up with in the first place, and have no real intention of committing to? In the movie Vanilla Sky, Penelope Cruz summed up what I’m trying to say in one simple sentence. “Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around.” I love that quote. To me, it says every day can be your New Years Eve. You can set new goals for yourself every single day. Make them attainable, with the seemingly unattainable as your reward. “Keep your eye on the prize” as they say. Whoever “they” is…

Where do I go from here? I’m not sure yet. But I’m NOT quitting. Thanks again Penelope. Your words of wisdom have saved me many times;)

Thank you for spending most of 2011 with me. I wish nothing but a healthy, prosperous 2012 for you and everyone you love! 

Tonight Only! I’m a Free Man! Boats and Hoes!!!

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Do you take debit cards, Ma’am?
This is the first time since Jake was born that I’ve had the place all to myself for an entire night! I’m taking full advantage! It’s go time!
First, I’m treating myself to a huge steak dinner and an ice cold Stella or three! Next, it’s off to the casino to drop some cash on a game I have no idea how to play! Then, it’s off to the Strip Joint to MAKE IT RAIN TONIGHT! I’M FREE! WOOT WOOT!!!
At least, that’s what I would have done four years ago. In reality, I spent three hours cleaning the house after work. My wife takes care of Jake a majority of the time, plus goes to work, plus takes care of the house. I like to hook her up when I have the opportunity to give her a break. She deserves it. I may put in a ton of hours at work. But she’s on the clock 24/7.
I did keep it real though! I blasted rock music and drank beer while I scrubbed the floors like a beyatch. Nothing makes you feel like a man more than the feel of a Swifter in your hands:)

PHEW! Is It Really Over?

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I love these bibs, I really do!!! Do I eat them, or crap in them?
I would just like to say a few words to those…

I compare Christmas this year to old people having sex. It’s still a lot of fun, but man, is it exhausting!!!
The last-minute shopping, the traffic, the cooking, the gifts, go here, run there, open presents, eat, poop, sleep, do it again. After posting religiously for over a year, I gave myself permission to stop worrying about what to write and just enjoy the holiday.
I have a new found appreciation for what my parents went through each year. They busted ass to make everything special for us kids, while we ravaged through gifts and played all day! It’s hard work! For parents, I mean…
Even though Jake’s favorite “gift” was a roll of duct tape, man I get a kick out of him watching him get a kick out of us getting a kick out of him! I can’t wait until the year when he knows that wine bottle stopper he’s yapping into isn’t actually a fancy microphone. That’s when the real fun begins!  
I hope you all had a very happy holiday! And if you’re still reading my silly little blurbs, THANK YOU!

I’m Making My List, Checking It Twice…

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The only gift I need:)
I apologize for the lack of posts the last couple of days. I haven’t had the week of Christmas off in nearly ten years! The last thing I want to do is sit in front of the computer! 
All I can say is, enjoy every second. I kid around about all the gifts I want, blah blah blah…. that’s all a gag.
My joy comes from giving. My parents raised me to be a generous guy. And I love being that guy. Save your money. I’ve got every thing I need. Unless you know Eddie Vedder, and can get me VIP Pearl Jam seats:)