Do These Look Like Pajamas To You? (Pissed Off Parent Alert!!!)

Hmmm. Comfy…

My wife and I we’re picking through a clearance sale rack of baby clothing, and came across some spring-weight footy pajamas for only $6.00 EACH! SCORE!!! 

I won’t mention the brand name on these jammies, but I will say that it rhymes with SHARTERS. Mama J, being the adamant label reader she is, noticed that these innocent little ducky-covered PJ’s were “Flame Retardant”. 
I knew that I’d be returning these jammy-jams soon, but we made the purchase anyway to bring them home and find out what “Flame Retardant” really meant. It couldn’t mean what we think it did, right?
Check out this SHIZNIT! And keep in mind this is done to crib mattresses also! Jeepers!

Is This Proof That I Have A…Conscience? Please Advise!

What should I do????

Hello All! Sometimes I’m at odds with myself for making such personal stories so public. Am I a butt-hole to tell my kid’s entire life story, on the internet, no less!? Will Jake understand this later in life, or will he be embarrassed and resentful? Should I shut this whole thing down, make the book for Jake, and call it a wrap? 

I read the first ten days of Facebook posts, starting the day Jake was born. I remember how I felt like the proudest man alive. That part hasn’t changed. And here we are today.

Read how it all started…
Day 1: Better late than never! Weighing in at 7lbs 7oz, 20.5″. We’ve been awake since 8am on Thursday and we still can’t settle down! I am so proud of our little team and especially Mama J. No epideral. No pitosin. Just a lot of courage. An amazing story. Thanks everybody for everything along the way!!!

Day 2: I’m becoming the dorky Dad with the huge camera! I apologize if we haven’t called you personally yet. This is the easiest way to update. Mama’s recovering, Jake’s a perfect. He’s got more nicknames than days out of the womb! He went through several wardrobe changes last night, hence his newest…BABY GAGA!
Day 3: I explained to Jake why men’s fascination with boobs continues through life, even after they stop feeding from them. He showed me how to pee straight over your head while laying down. We dig each other:)
Day 4: I think the boy is developing some focus and expression. Because as we conga-line danced our way to the changing table, and I’m singing “Little Jakey’s squealing, cuz his big fat diapers’s feelin’ HOT, HOT, HOT!”, he just stared quizzically like, “who’s this goofy, babbling, pink blob?”
Day 5: Today we’re talking animals. I asked “What’s a cow say, Jake?” Response: Buuuuurrrrrrrp! “Excellent boy. Next, what’s the chicken say?” Response: Rrrrrriiiipppp!(fart). “So proud boy. What’s a piggy say?” Response: Combination sneeze mixed with a gurgle and a splat sound in his diapers. I know what he meant to say. So proud. Give him another day or two, he’ll get it:)
Day 6: Jake and I are finding we have a lot in common. We both enjoy hearing Pearl Jam while we eat. We prefer zippers over snaps, and fleece over terry-cloth. (Terry-cloth is for 70’s porn stars) We both adore boobs. We both have loose, seedy stools. We can both sleep while soaked in urine. And we each stain our under pants 7 to 10 times a day. Practically two peas in a pod!
Day 7: I explained to Jake that all people are different for a reason. Some are born a certain way, others may choose to become that way. He might make a choice in life that causes him discrimination and ridicule. But no matter how he grows up to be, I’ll love and support him either way. Cubs or Sox fan, I’ll never judge him:)
Day 8: I was so happy when Jake actually smiled at me for like, 4 seconds! His next action reminded me smiley faces are also a tell-tale sign of gas. The “PHHHHEEERRR” sound that erupted from his bum was bitter-sweet. But it left me smiling, so I pressed that poopy diaper into his baby book:)
Day 9: Today Jake and I had a serious chat about treating women with respect. I know that right now, he only sees women as a pair of boobs. But he needs to realize all the sacrifices they go through for the sake of kids just like him. Be polite. Be funny. Be chivalrous. Just be sweet, even to the mean ones. They might just have a crush on him. That’s how real men roll little man:)

Day 10: I had an idea. Then, two friends suggested similar things, solidifying my notion. And then, my wife bet me I couldn’t do it. So, I think I might try it. ‘365 Days in the Life of Jake’, or ‘Jake’s Lesson’? I have to log something (hopefully entertaining) that we talk about every day for one year. And I’m not making these things up! One condition, if you like it, someone has to call Oprah for me. My hands are full!

Dads AND Moms! Try The 1FD "NO EXCUSES" Workout!

What do you get when you add two injuries, one house remodel, a baby, and a newly acquired taste for beer? Answer: Man Tits!
Just a few short years ago, prior to my wedding, I was in the best shape of my life. I’d spent a year dropping 40 pounds. My body fat percentage was the lowest it had been since I was in kindergarten, and I could run a 5K without barely breaking a sweat. Working out was my second job. There was no excuse for missing a workout. I could always find 20 minutes to squeeze in some sort of interval training, or a run around the block. (I had found out in that previous year that interval training was the fastest way to lose fat, build muscle, and push my cardio stamina farther than ever!) The proof was in the scale, the fat calipers, and on the heart rate monitor. Four years later, I’m back at square one. 
The aforementioned excuses are just that. Excuses. The newest excuse is time. But if you think about it, how much time do we really need to make significant changes in our health that completely change our life, and more importantly, our lifeSTYLES? Not much. Could we all find 20-30 minutes a few times a week? Of course we can. 
In the last four weeks, I’ve really taken a look at the unhealthy HABITS I’ve accrued that have gotten me back to being overweight. Fast food. Sitting at this computer. Eating before bed. Beer. Not drinking enough water. No fruits and veggies. One by one, I set out to get back into the mindset that I had four years ago. Most importantly, not giving myself a reason to not do SOMETHING to improve my health every single day. I don’t care if I can bench 300 pounds. I’m not trying to be a UFC fighter. I’d just like to be around when Jake graduates from college, gets married, and has kids of his own. Period.
You could say I’m a fairly simple guy. And although I have great work ethic, human nature tends me to seek the greatest amount of results with the least amount of effort. Here are the changes I’ve made: I eat more protein. I eat more fiber in the form of fruits and veggies. I’ve essentially cut out bread, pasta, and as much refined sugar as I can stand. I try and drink as much water as I can remember to. NO beer. OK, almost no beer. And, I do some form of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week. There are 1,440 minutes in a day. 10,080 in a week! That exercise totals a mere 150 of those 10,080 minutes. Sound doable? You know it is!!!
My results thus far? I’ve dropped 12 pounds in the last four weeks!
I have a gym membership. But it’s not like I can do walk/runs on the treadmill while toting Jake in the Baby B’Jorn. So, I had to come up with a workout program that I can do at home. 
As I said, I’m all about interval training. I like to incorporate strength training with cardio to get the fastest results possible. Do your research. There are SO many benefits to interval training. And, there are a million exercises that you can perform with little or no equipment at all. Here’s my “home gym”…
A Bosu ball, a kettle bell, and some resistance bands. That’s it. You can target every major muscle group with these few items. These take care of the strength building, but how do you get your cardio in? That’s where the fun begins. It’s a matter of compiling a short list of exercises, and doing them as quickly and safely as you can to increase your heart rate. Do two or three “sets” of those exercises with very little rest, and you’ve got a workout that will kick your ass, guaranteed! 
By all means, do your research, and choose exercises that you’re comfortable with! There are always modified versions of an exercise to limit the amount of impact on your joints, and take you from beginner to superstar! 
Here’s an example of the workout I’m going to do as soon as I get my doughy ass out of this chair!
1. 50 Jumping Jacks (to get the heart rate warmed up) 
2. 20 crunches on the Bosu ball (which you don’t need to do crunches)
3. 10 Bosu push-ups (one hand on the floor, one on the Bosu, or flip it over for wide-grip)
4. 20 Kettle-Bell squats (hold it with both hands between your knees, and squat until it touches the floor)
5. 20 suitcase squat to shoulder presses. (kettle bell at your side, squat, and press the bell up over your head. do 10 each side)
6. 20 Mountain Climbers (Google these. too much to explain:)
7. 10 Bosu push-ups
8. 20 Bosu crunches
Do these exercises with as little rest as possible. Once you’ve completed your set, rest for a couple of minutes and let your heart rate come down. Then, do it again! I promise you, 3 sets of this will only take 15-20 minutes. But you’ll be whipped, and your heart will think you’ve just sprinted a mile and a half! 
I change it up from day to day. I use the resistance bands for focusing on upper body exercises like curls, tricep presses, shoulder presses, etc. 
The key is to create a program that you can realistically do, and that is fun enough to make you want to do it again! I promise that after on a few days, you will start to feel better in ways you can’t imagine. You will sleep better! You will have more energy! You won’t shudder at the thought of climbing a flight of stairs. Most importantly, your self esteem skyrockets knowing that you’re doing something that’s going to improve your life, and the life of your children! 
I am so thankful that I have a wife that appreciates being healthy. She makes such an effort to provide the best food possible for Jake and I. I felt guilty for so long knowing that I wasn’t taking full advantage of that. (You can’t tell she had a baby, yet I look pregnant:) She makes it easy. The cool thing is that we both believe in raising Jake to be active. We go outside as much as possible. We take walks, bike rides, and push him around town in the running stroller. When I grew up, I played baseball outside with my friends until dark every night. There were no video games, and all the other distractions that kids have now. I know it’s wishful thinking, but I hope we can have a greater influence on Jake than a Playstation. 
As with any challenging endeavor, the first step is realizing a need for change, and making a commitment to just f**king do it! I’m finally there. My wife and I are searching event calendars for our first 5k this year. That’s a step. The way I have it figured, I’m going to have to take approximately 167,338 steps to get back to this….

I Always Feel Like, Somebody’s Watching Me!

Many people smarter than I state that a child’s complete personality and morality are developed in the first 18 to 24 months of their life. We as parents establish how the child interacts with others and responds to emotions. 
Most importantly, we teach them how to react when they fall down. (Obviously I’m talking a little slip or the daily face-plant, not something super-serious;) Our reactions teach them to either sit there and sob until someone picks them up, or shake it off and continue on. 
Think of how that one seemingly simple lesson will reverberate throughout the course of their entire life.  
Stop and think before you act in front of your child. Their little mental tape-recorders are running all the time. BE the person that you would like to see them become. 
Those little buggers are always watching, and they’re way smarter than we think!:)

Apple equals Asshole

Stop with the crazy space-talk! I understand English you Dummy!

It seems our Jakey is really starting to understand some words and the objects associated with them, as well as our vocal inflection. Meaning, it’s obvious he knows if we are making a statement or asking a question based on his responses. He’s babbling like a Chinese rapper. Here are some examples…

– “Jacob, are you hungry?” He shakes his head no, no, no, or waves his arms in front of his face. If he is, he says “uh-huh”and shakes his head yes, yes, yes.
– “Jacob, are you thirsty?” He makes the “O” face, and points at his sippy cup.
– “Jacob, grab the ball for Dad.” He crawls over, grabs the ball and rolls it back.
– Just hearing “Bye Bye” is an automatic wave and a “bah bah” to someone.
– “Jacob, rock out!” Automatic headbang or shoulder shakin’.
Pronunciations Include:
Ball = Bah
Bottle = Bah Bah
Bye Bye = Bah Bah???
OK, those are bad examples. How about…
Car = Cah
Teeth = Tiff
Dog = Hoof hoof (woof woof:)
Cheese = Tizz
Apple = Asshole
It’s exciting to know that we are actually starting to communicate with each other! I can not wait until the day when I hear “Hi Dad!”. I’ll try and remember this post the first time I hear, “F**k off Dad!”
But, until then…

I Know The Music’s In My Pants, But Can It Be In My Genes?

Can musical skills truly be “in the genes”? 

Other than constantly playing music throughout the house (everything from Nine Inch Nails to Beethoven), we don’t force instruments into Jake’s hands. Yet, he flocks towards all his musical toys. He will tear through an entire basket of toys just to find his drumsticks. He won’t play the xylophone unless he has the right mallet. “Right-left-right-left” is second nature to him now. Jake can bust phat beats on cue! As soon as the car door opens and he hears music, he starts wiggling to the beat. If Mama or I say “Rock out buddy”, or “Dance, dance, dance”, he starts the head bang-slash-shoulder shake. I catch him drumming away in his car seat all the time. 

The little Animal with his big boy drumsticks!!!

All I can figure is that Jake is mimicking what he sees Mama and I do everyday. What’s best is, I think he likes it! I don’t want to inadvertently turn the kid into a band-geek (like his Dad:). So, we keep a multitude of toys and books on hand ranging from sports, construction, art… you name it. Although Jake usually bypasses all of those and goes straight for his drums, piano, or guitar. Go figure. My philosophy on developing his interests is to provide him with tons of options, and encourage whichever ones he chooses. Unless it’s crack, of course:)

One Small Step For Baby, One Giant LEAP for Baby-kind!!!

Jake gave his “undetermined virus” a huge “F**K YOU!” today by taking his VERY FIRST STEPS!!!
Taking a nice fever-killing aroma-therapy bath.  I Photoshopped out the dong:)
That’s right! Jake pulled himself to his feet on the rocking chair and turned to look at me. He stuck his hand out as if to say “catch me”, and just…took off. It was only two steps. But, I was a proud papa.
There is no stopping him now. I love ya, kiddo:)

Two Words I Hate to Use in the Same Sentence: Baby, and HOSPITAL!

OK last night on Facebook, I posted that Jake had another cold, that I was pissed, and I was buying him a bubble. I posted that early in the evening. At the time I wrote that, it really did seem like just a cold. Jake’s had colds before. He gets a little feverish and his nose runs. So, Mama nurses him a lot, he sleeps it off, DONE! 
Jake laid down at his usual bedtime, around 6:30pm. He was a little warm, but nothing worse than we’ve witnessed in the past. Although, his nose was now pouring, and he was definitely restless and fitful. He just seemed…off. Mama J knocked him out with the Magic Booby, and we hoped he’d sleep it off. Jake always sleeps like a teenager when he’s not feeling well. Boy, were we wrong!
Jake awoke at 11:30pm SCREAMING unlike anything we’ve heard since he was first born! He felt like he was on fire! I couldn’t believe that even his hands felt like they were burning up. We checked his temp with a digital thermometer…105 degrees! Mama called the Doctor while I started packing his bag.

Let me say, that we are not parents who are quick to rush Jake to the Doctor every time he coughs. He’s never even had infant’s Tylenol to this point. But, what if our cheesy little thermometer was off by a degree or two? There was absolutely no reason to take a risk. It was time to head to the Emergency Room.

When a baby has a fever, it’s their body’s natural reaction to an infection. Their tiny systems are in overdrive trying to fight off whatever virus or infection they may have. At around a 104*, their hearts are pounding like crazy, and their breathing is short and rapid. Poor little buggers. At 105* for a prolonged period of time (and who knows how long that period is for your child?) their little systems can shut down. They can go into seizure, and a whole list of other things that I don’t even want to talk about.

The first time, and what I was hoping was the LAST time Jake was ever in the hospital!

If you’ve never been to an Emergency Room in a city at 12:30 am, you’re missing out. Let me just say that the waiting room looked like a casting call for a Rob Zombie movie. Luckily, this hospital doesn’t jack around when it comes to screaming babies, and we were in a room in no time. I wonder if they just didn’t want to listen to Jake going bat-shit? Anywho…

Over the course of the next few hours, they ran a ton of tests just to verify it wasn’t anything super-serious like whooping cough, etc. To make a reeeeeaaaalllllly long story short, Jake has an undetermined infection. Whether it’s viral or bacterial, the Doc hooked us up for either case. They let us bring him home. As I write this, Jake’s currently knocked out. We’re still watching his fever very closely. He’s been hovering around 101-102* all afternoon. If it starts trending up again, we have to start all over again.

Mama J and I have barely slept since yesterday morning. I’m not too concerned with that. I just want our little buddy back to normal. My hats off to parents who deal with things like on a weekly or even daily basis. My heart goes out to you.

Let me end this by saying: If you were, are, or even plan on being sick in the near future… stay away from my kid:)

Thank You – One Protective Daddy