Monthly Archives: December 2011

Tonight Only! I’m a Free Man! Boats and Hoes!!!

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Do you take debit cards, Ma’am?
This is the first time since Jake was born that I’ve had the place all to myself for an entire night! I’m taking full advantage! It’s go time!
First, I’m treating myself to a huge steak dinner and an ice cold Stella or three! Next, it’s off to the casino to drop some cash on a game I have no idea how to play! Then, it’s off to the Strip Joint to MAKE IT RAIN TONIGHT! I’M FREE! WOOT WOOT!!!
At least, that’s what I would have done four years ago. In reality, I spent three hours cleaning the house after work. My wife takes care of Jake a majority of the time, plus goes to work, plus takes care of the house. I like to hook her up when I have the opportunity to give her a break. She deserves it. I may put in a ton of hours at work. But she’s on the clock 24/7.
I did keep it real though! I blasted rock music and drank beer while I scrubbed the floors like a beyatch. Nothing makes you feel like a man more than the feel of a Swifter in your hands:)

PHEW! Is It Really Over?

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I love these bibs, I really do!!! Do I eat them, or crap in them?
I would just like to say a few words to those…

I compare Christmas this year to old people having sex. It’s still a lot of fun, but man, is it exhausting!!!
The last-minute shopping, the traffic, the cooking, the gifts, go here, run there, open presents, eat, poop, sleep, do it again. After posting religiously for over a year, I gave myself permission to stop worrying about what to write and just enjoy the holiday.
I have a new found appreciation for what my parents went through each year. They busted ass to make everything special for us kids, while we ravaged through gifts and played all day! It’s hard work! For parents, I mean…
Even though Jake’s favorite “gift” was a roll of duct tape, man I get a kick out of him watching him get a kick out of us getting a kick out of him! I can’t wait until the year when he knows that wine bottle stopper he’s yapping into isn’t actually a fancy microphone. That’s when the real fun begins!  
I hope you all had a very happy holiday! And if you’re still reading my silly little blurbs, THANK YOU!

I’m Making My List, Checking It Twice…

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The only gift I need:)
I apologize for the lack of posts the last couple of days. I haven’t had the week of Christmas off in nearly ten years! The last thing I want to do is sit in front of the computer! 
All I can say is, enjoy every second. I kid around about all the gifts I want, blah blah blah…. that’s all a gag.
My joy comes from giving. My parents raised me to be a generous guy. And I love being that guy. Save your money. I’ve got every thing I need. Unless you know Eddie Vedder, and can get me VIP Pearl Jam seats:)

You Can Shove That Little Yellow Fella Straight Up Your Cat’s Eye!

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Really?

You’re looking at one of the hottest Christmas toys of 2011, My Keepon.
You know, everyday I brainstorm, hoping for that one idea that’s going to pop into my head and make me a millionaire. Obviously I haven’t thought of it yet, or I’d being doing body shots off a model in Aruba right now. I mean, I’d be out shopping with my wife, of course!;)
When I stumble across something such as this, it makes me want to donkey-kick the inventor of My Keepon dead in the twat. On the contrary though, it does remind me to never stop trying to create. Whether it’s the next Pet Rock, or a personal body hair groomer for metro-sexual dogs. 
The butt-plug that created this dancing, yellow thing struck gold. I can too!
 

SOMEONE GET THIS KID HIS MAMA!!!

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Um, you’re not Mama, buttface…

This has been a DOOZY of a day for this Dada! Mama J had to leave town for work today.  No worries. Jake and I have got our guy’s routine down to a science. Here’s the problem…

Jake’s feeling a bit under the weather, and my Super Dad powers just aren’t working today. His cold is my Kryptonite! Trying to get him down for his first nap was like trying to wrestle a writhing midget on meth! He would not stop crying! And the only thing he kept muttering was “Ma-muh, Ma-Muh!” He even belted out a machine-gun paced rant, “Mamamamamamamamamama”!

I felt helpless! But after another few ounces of magic milk, he succumbed to the exhaustion, and passed out. All day long, the only thing he’s said has been Mama. And all I can do to keep him calm is a lot of comforting, and more milk! I have so many bottle stains on my shirt, you’d think I was the one lactating! Jake is like a miniature functioning milkaholic. I went into his room as he was waking up from his restless, 50 minute nap. Before I was even around the corner, he mumbled an inquisitive “Mama?” By the expression on his face when he saw it was me, you’d think someone just kicked him in his baby nuts! I am counting the minutes until she returns home.

Just like the song says, “You Don’t Know What You Got ‘Til It’s Gone”. I never thought I’d say this, but Cinderella was right. Come home Mama! We need you!

It’s a Wonderful Life! Or Was it the Wife?

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National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is obviously one of the funniest and best Christmas movies of all time. I can’t NOT watch it every single year. 
But I have to say It’s a Wonderful Life is my all time favorite! I love the message. Be grateful for every single thing you have in your life. I nearly lose it at the end every time I see it.
I grew up watching this film year after year. As I started to notice girls, it didn’t take to long to figure out… Donna Reed was smoking hot!  
So is it the message, or Donna Reed that keeps me watching? I’d say it’s a 70/30 split. OK, maybe 60/40:)
Is she the 60, or the 40?

I’m So Happy, I think I might JIZZ GLITTER!!!

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GLITTER, I SAID RIP! NOT CONFETTI!

Christmas is only days away, and I feel mildly prepared this year! I’m secretly hoping my wife doesn’t work this week. I still feel like there’s so much to do and see! We have been dragging Jake’s little ass everywhere. Either he’s getting used to it, or he’s learned to sleep with his eyes open. What choice does he have really?:) I’m not sure if he gets what all the fuss is about yet? But when we ask him, “Where’s the Christmas tree little buddy?”, and he turns around and points to it, I get all misty eyed thinking of the years of fun ahead! 
I owe a ton to this little guy. He has no doubt brought our family closer together and put the joy back into the holiday season! I used to be a semi-Scrooge, but I’ve got the spirit now! What tugs on your heartstrings during the Christmas season???

What Do You Give the Baby Who Has Everything?

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I SAID iPAD2 ASSHOLE!
And by everything, I mean clothes, a warm bed, mushy food, and something to poop in (and on). Jake doesn’t care if we hand him an Xbox or a golf ball. He’s going to chew on it for a minute, and then cast it away like an empty bah-bah. I know some parents that go buck-wild on their baby’s Christmas gifts, and others that don’t buy their infants anything. I guess I’m somewhere in between on the issue. My question to you is, what is appropriate parental protocol for buying a one year old Christmas gifts?

I Need Answers. And I DON’T Wanna Hear DILDO!

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OK, my wife already knows almost everything she’s getting for Christmas. I was able to sneak-shop a little and get her one secret gift. But I need to give her something special. (Stop giggling, perverts) She’s the hardest working woman I know. And everything she does, she does it for our son and our family. So, I need to do something totally off the wall and unexpected. Something that says, “we appreciate you immensely!” It doesn’t have to cost a cent.
Assume that I’ve already bought the girly-girl essentials. Let’s have some ideas ladies! What would melt your heart? And DON’T SAY DILDO!:)

I’m FINALLY Getting My Christmas Sh*t Together!!!

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I can’t believe that Jon guy has never watched this before!?

After MASS taunting yesterday, I finally made it a priority to watch A Christmas Story! Funny stuff! Now I understand all those one liners that have slipped right past me for years! It makes me wonder if that movie is the reason why some of my family goes to a Chinese restaurant every year for Christmas dinner?

I’m trying to re-establish and build new traditions as a proud new papa. Tell me, what are some of your favorite family traditions? No matter how silly or insignificant you think they may seem, I’d like to hear them!