The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy Pt. 5: Settling Into Our Roles


Welcome to week five of The Newbies Guide to One Funny Daddy!

By the time Buddy was five months old, I had learned that just when you think the sleepless nights and endless crying were never going to stop, they do. Things seemed to be getting easier. (Looking back, I realize how simple caring for just one child was) Wifey and I were finding our niche as parents. I began to realize what a great and wonderful responsibility being a parent really was. So, I started planning my estate…and my revenge.

And I remember taking a look at that picture above, the one with goofy pacifier stuck in Buddy’s mouth, and having an idea…;)

I am starting to see our parenting styles shaping up. Wifey is the patient one while I am the pacifier type. She can spend hours allowing him to self soothe, rather than shove the plug in his mouth. While I on the other hand, offer him a new mustang at age 16 if he will stop crying right now. His choice of colors. I think it’s working.

Speaking of pacifying, Buddy is actually weaning himself off that plastic crutch by chewing on his hand instead. The upside is that he’s not waking up every time the plug pops out. The downside is he sounds like a baby piglet eating taffy.

I think we have figured out the cause of Buddy’s erratic sleep patterns. It’s US! Picking him up too soon. Holding him too much. We were keeping the kid awake! He’s sleeping almost double compared to last week. So technically we fixed it by doing…nothing.

When Buddy’s older and fast asleep, school in the morning, I think I’ll exact a little harmless revenge. I’m going to walk into his bedroom crying, my pants soaked with urine, and stand there sobbing until he feeds me. Poetic justice?

I have been compiling a list of life’s must-dos to ensure Buddy grows up a well-mannered little gentleman. 1. Always hold a door open for someone. 2. Always push your grocery cart over to the corral so it doesn’t wind up against my car. 3. Say “excuse me”. 4. No Dutch Ovens if you want to keep a girl.

My, how your priorities change without even knowing it. I was digging through Buddy’s sock drawer to find a color that coordinated with the rest of today’s ensemble. Meanwhile, I walked in front of a mirror and realized that I’m dressed like an extra on the set of a Richard Simmons’ exercise video! But at least his socks match his shirt.

When your kid is born, you love them by default, right? But when a little person starts to develop, and you get to know each other, that changes. When you know that they just smiled or stopped crying because of you, or they latch onto your finger and drift off to sleep, it’s hard to describe. Imagine your heart being so full of pride and love that it felt like it was going to pop…

The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy Pt. 4: The 30 Something Man-Child Matures…Kinda

Welcome to week four of The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy!

I remember studying Buddy like he was some ape in the wild. Every little thing was a new thing to both of us. He still continues to amaze me. And now it is so cool to watch Bean develop as a completely different little person. This whole process is just as incredible as it is terrifying. In these posts, you can see I was just figuring that out…


Just when that little devil has me wanting to skip town to Costa Rica, the flu quarantines me to the guest room for three days. I miss my wittle family. I guess I’ll unpack my bags.

I think Wifey has proven once again that women actually may be tougher than men. She has fended off the flu while nursing a cranky kid, all on relatively no sleep, taking nothing but vitamins for four days. She beat it. I didn’t. Which leads to the argument that women are actually smarter than men, too. At least this man, anyway. 

Just a warning ladies; Buddy can’t see past 18 inches yet, but put a boob within a 6 foot radius of him and he lunges at it like an 11.5 lb panther! He has definitely discovered his rooting instinct. Hold him at your own risk!

I’m starting to equate taking care of a baby with fixing a leak. If you can find and fix that leak when it’s small (recognize the kid’s hungry, tired, etc.), you’re all good (baby stays calm). If you ignore the signs, and the leak lets loose (baby goes apeshit), you’re gonna get all wet. Just pay attention to the signs, and you shouldn’t need to call a baby-plumber (in-laws) to fix your shit-show.

Buddy’s senses are really starting to develop. His eyes are tracking moving objects. He’s reaching out to touch things and swinging his legs in attempt to roll. He will even mumble “responses” during our conversations. Not to mention, he has the boob obsession of a fifteen year old. They truly do grow up so fast!

I have developed a simple three-tiered ranking system to immediately judge the severity of a #2 diaper fill-up. It’s called Butt, Nuts, or Gut? Obviously, the bigger the load, the farther it spreads. If you’ve got poo on the belly, well, that’s what we call “a bad day”.

To spoil or not to spoil by picking up Buddy when he cries? That ’tis the question. I’m not sure what the right answer is? But if it means no crying, I’d put a starving mongoose in my undies while standing on one foot and singing a Justin Bieber song.

I had a “HOLY SHIT Moment” last night after realizing that I am an expert at NOTHING! What will I be able to teach this kid? I’m no star athlete. I’ve never built a house, nor rebuilt an engine. I have A.D.D. and the only things I’m good at are art, music, and making a fool of myself. I was reminded of something that I seem to forget… I’m a NERD!

There are two men in this house now. One of whom only sleeps 5 hours a day, drinks his meals, drools in his sleep, and sharts in his britches repeatedly. The other is a 3 month old baby.

Buddy is a little stubborn with a bottle. He prefers it straight from the tap. I explained that big boys love bottles as they get older. Glass ones. I told him about the time Daddy drank so many bottles that he woke up in a stranger’s swimming pool wearing nothing but a Batman t-shirt and some floatees! That MILKER LITE makes some “babies” crazy!!!

I would like to know what a baby that usually just giggles when he’s awake, laugh his little ass off about while he’s asleep!? Does Buddy even know what laughing is yet? What is he thinking about? The time I dropped my guard and he peed on me? The time I stubbed my toe on his crib so hard I nearly shit my pants? What’s so funny!?

I have read conflicting articles that state a child’s long term memory develops at either age 1, or age 5. That’s quite a gap in theories. I wish I knew for sure. Then, I would know how long I have to get my act together.

Prior to Buddy, some of my proudest moments included winning a fastest beer-bong contest, sneaking backstage at Ozzfest, and almost eating the 4 pound Big Ethyl Burger. Those moments have since became Buddy’s birth, him rolling over, going to sleep without crying (sometimes), and farting louder than a grown man. My, how perspectives change…

The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy Pt. 3: Reality Sets In

Welcome to week three of The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy!

Remember that feeling you got when you bought a new house or a car? Now, remember how you felt when the excitement wore off and you realized you had to pay for that shit forever!? That was month two for me:)


I explained to Buddy one reason why music is called “The Soundtrack of Our Lives”. The brain creates “triggers” and links them with an emotion. It could be happiness, sadness, etc. So a certain song can trigger the same feeling you had 20 years ago. Every time I hear ‘Run, Run Rudolph’, I’ll think of the white-knuckled drive home from the hospital at 25mph! (Speed limit was 55:)

I got a taste of the protective, parental instinct. Some goofy bastard got a little too close in a store. I almost went all Liam Neeson in ‘Taken’ on his ass! Kinda like when two dogs rushed Wifey at 8 months. I instantly got into the ‘Karate Kid’ pose! Can you say DORK!?

Sometimes Buddy just cries for no apparent reason at all. Diaper’s dry. Jammies don’t smell like a homeless person. He’s not sick. He’s not gassed up. Wifey and I are baffled at times. But I tell her, “when in doubt, bust ’em out!” He must be hungry AGAIN!? Just a hunch, but boobs always seem to calm me down.

Zippers not snaps. Fuzzy caps. Long naps. Fat craps. Quick release bra straps. Breast milk fraps. (I’m trademarking that at Starbucks) These are a few of Buddy’s favorite things…


Is it normal that if I see someone drink milk now, the thought actually crosses my mind that I have to burp them? And if an adult does burp, that I say “that’s a gooood boooy!” out of habit!? Or, if someone says they have to drop a #2, I think I should probably go check the color!? I assume this is normal after being consumed by all things baby? If not, I’ve finally went totally bat-shit crazy.

I told Buddy one of my favorite quotes is “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” I swear he grinned at me as he tore a gut-ripping shit into his brand new, freshly-changed diaper. Hello insanity! Welcome back.

It’s hard to imagine this sweet little man EVER bad-mouthing us, right!? But then I picture him as a 15 yr old in a 1.5 month old’s body… (This is him texting his girlfriend) OMG WTF!? Wish my parents would STHU or GTHO! I just want milk and sleep! WTM!? (Where’s the milk) ROTFLMLBAO!!! (Roll on the floor laughing my little baby ass off:)

I’ve heard of nannies, but are there such things as a Boob Stand-In? Kinda like a boob stunt double? The boob double just keeps the kid amused until feeding time? Sure, all these toys work for a few minutes. But a boob keeps him amused for hours. I’m thinking of inventing a huge toy booby set that hang in the crib. Put a squeaky button on it that squirts 2% milk. The nips spin, etc…

The contrasts between Buddy and I make me laugh. His hair’s getting darker and thicker. Mine’s turning gray and falling out. He’s waiting on teeth to come in. I’m waiting for mine to fall out. He’s gaining coordination. I can barely tie my shoes and talk. The only similarity I can think of is that we’re both gaining two pounds a month.

Amazing how this kid changes each day! Buddy’s starting to become a little person, not just a screaming pee machine. More alert. “Talking” more. Smiling more. Sleeping MORE! Crying LESS! He still craps like a goose with IBS, but I’ll take it!!!!

Lessons learned thus far: Baby books aren’t always right, no kid comes with their own manual. Be patient, things change every day. Talk to your spouse, even when you’re exhausted/ready to choke each other. And just like Morgan Freeman said, “Spoil that child every chance you get.” The list goes on…

I was thinking… If I do pull off all 365 days and turn them into a book or whatever, what the hell am I gonna do if we have a second kid? I might as well just hand them money every day. Can you say “inferiority complex”?

If some baby clothes are as uncomfortable to wear as they are difficult to put on them, I can understand why kids run around naked all the time! I know how I feel when a collar is too tight, or my thong rides up on me. I hate stuffing him in some of these monkey suits when I know he doesn’t care if he’s wearing a pillow case. Admit it, we only dress them in that stuff for our amusement anyway!

Funny how the dialogue changes between adults after having a baby, especially when they’re “debating” an issue. You can say anything you want as long as you say it in baby voice. As if the baby’s saying it, not you. “Mommy was snorwing weal loud wast night.” Or, “It’d be real nice if Daddy could wearn to put the toi-wette seat down so Mommy doesn’t get her butt stuck in the bowl when she’s half a-sweep.”

The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy Pt. 2: My First Month as a “Baby Daddy”

Welcome to the second installment of The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy!

Last week, I explained how this whole thing started, and took you from the Birth Announcement through Buddy’s first few days on the planet. Part two takes us through my first month as a new Dad.

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In hindsight, I am SO HAPPY that I kept this Facebook journal! Otherwise, I wouldn’t remember squat! Looking back, I see that it didn’t take long to realize that all those warnings about life changing and no sleep were SO true! Enjoy:)

1. I explained to Buddy why men’s fascination with boobs continues through life, even after they stop feeding from them. He showed me how to pee straight over my head while laying down. We’re constantly learning from each other.

2. I was so happy when Buddy actually smiled at me for like, 4 seconds! His next action reminded me smiley faces are also a tell-tale sign of gas. The “PHHHHEEERRR” sound that erupted from his bum was bitter-sweet. But it left me smiling too, so I pressed that poopy diaper into his baby book:)

3. Today Buddy and I had a serious chat about treating women with respect. I know that right now, he only sees women as a pair of boobs. But he needs to realize all the sacrifices they go through for the sake of kids just like him. Be polite. Be funny. Be chivalrous. Just be sweet, even to the mean ones. They might just have a crush on him. That’s how real men roll.

4. What do you call a balding, toothless midget that does nothing but eat, sleep, and poop all day and night? My son.

5. I explained to Buddy the story of Christmas and how its actually about a baby just like him named Jesus. And even though it’s easy to get “wrapped up” in Santa and gifts, we need to remember the true meaning of the day. I vowed not to lose sight of that and spoil the boy. But then he smiled at me, so I bought him an iPad:)

6. Everyone keeps asking, what do I want for Christmas? I tell them “I’m good”, but they still persist. God love ’em for it. But, let’s see…I got to witness a miracle two weeks ago. I have a healthy and loving family, wonderful friends, a warm house, a little money in the bank, and food in the fridge. Save your money. I’ve got everything I need. Merry Christmas!

7. Yeah, you could say I’ve changed a little. I used to post jokes about donkey porn. Now I’m rocking a Baby Bjorn. Is this what growing up feels like?

8. I was up at 4am for work. No fun for me on this New Year’s Eve. Wifey said “The only person that had a drink last night was Buddy. He did a shot of breast-milk at midnight. He must’ve been ripped, because he passed out immediately.” Well, at least one of us had a good time. Happy New Year!

9. The more I get to know this kid, the more similarities I see between him and I. Expressions, the way he sleeps, etc. Coincidence? Will he truly be a mini-me? I can’t wait to find out. So cool to watch this little man grow and change each day! Let’s just hope that back hair & weenie size skip a generation, for his sake.

10. My, how definitions change after having a child! Vacation is a quick trip to the grocery store. Spa Day is a day that you have enough time to shower. Going out to dinner now means having food delivered. I thought I was a decent manager of time before. Now I see how much I wasted! Gotta run. I have 10 minutes, so I’m binge-watching TV, shaving, making soup, and taking a dump.

Two Words to Your Mothers (The Appreciation Tug of War)


Sometimes it only takes a look from Wifey to remind me that I can be a bit of an asshole from time to time. Yeah, I know. Hard to believe, right?

She has spent the last three weeks almost single-handedly nursing the whole house (including herself) through sickness and the busy Holiday season. I always assume my actions (I think I do a pretty good job in the hubby-daddy-provider role) are enough to show my appreciation.

I forget what I did to trigger it? But “the look” I received (the bags under her eyes should have given me a clue) reminded me that sometimes you need to stop, swallow your pride if necessary, and say those two little words that every woman needs to hear…”THANK YOU”. You can follow that up with “for everything you do.” and even, “I love you.”

I had certainly noticed Wifey running herself ragged to make sure the kids still had a memorable Christmas. Although it’s easy to forget that being a Mom is mostly a thankless job while simultaneously being the toughest job in the world. The kids won’t always say “thank you.” Not yet anyway. They don’t get the fact that their Mama is fighting off the flu on 3 hours sleep but still drags herself out of bed to make them a healthy breakfast and push through another 12 hour day, all for them. I know in some cases, us fellas might put more hours on a time-clock, being Mama is a round-the-clock job.

So if the kids don’t say “thank you”, who will? It has to be us, guys. I know that being married with kids is like an “Appreciation Tug of War” at times, each partner feeling as though they put forth so much effort and yearning for a little recognition.

Yesterday it took Wifey letting go of the rope and me falling flat on my ass to realize I needed to stop trying to win the war this time.

Remember guys, a little “thank you” goes a long way. If you’re in real trouble, back rubs and flowers never hurt either:)