Welcome to week five of The Newbies Guide to One Funny Daddy!

By the time Buddy was five months old, I had learned that just when you think the sleepless nights and endless crying were never going to stop, they do. Things seemed to be getting easier. (Looking back, I realize how simple caring for just one child was) Wifey and I were finding our niche as parents. I began to realize what a great and wonderful responsibility being a parent really was. So, I started planning my estate…and my revenge.

And I remember taking a look at that picture above, the one with goofy pacifier stuck in Buddy’s mouth, and having an idea…;)

I am starting to see our parenting styles shaping up. Wifey is the patient one while I am the pacifier type. She can spend hours allowing him to self soothe, rather than shove the plug in his mouth. While I on the other hand, offer him a new mustang at age 16 if he will stop crying right now. His choice of colors. I think it’s working.

Speaking of pacifying, Buddy is actually weaning himself off that plastic crutch by chewing on his hand instead. The upside is that he’s not waking up every time the plug pops out. The downside is he sounds like a baby piglet eating taffy.

I think we have figured out the cause of Buddy’s erratic sleep patterns. It’s US! Picking him up too soon. Holding him too much. We were keeping the kid awake! He’s sleeping almost double compared to last week. So technically we fixed it by doing…nothing.

When Buddy’s older and fast asleep, school in the morning, I think I’ll exact a little harmless revenge. I’m going to walk into his bedroom crying, my pants soaked with urine, and stand there sobbing until he feeds me. Poetic justice?

I have been compiling a list of life’s must-dos to ensure Buddy grows up a well-mannered little gentleman. 1. Always hold a door open for someone. 2. Always push your grocery cart over to the corral so it doesn’t wind up against my car. 3. Say “excuse me”. 4. No Dutch Ovens if you want to keep a girl.

My, how your priorities change without even knowing it. I was digging through Buddy’s sock drawer to find a color that coordinated with the rest of today’s ensemble. Meanwhile, I walked in front of a mirror and realized that I’m dressed like an extra on the set of a Richard Simmons’ exercise video! But at least his socks match his shirt.

When your kid is born, you love them by default, right? But when a little person starts to develop, and you get to know each other, that changes. When you know that they just smiled or stopped crying because of you, or they latch onto your finger and drift off to sleep, it’s hard to describe. Imagine your heart being so full of pride and love that it felt like it was going to pop…