The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy Pt. 2: My First Month as a “Baby Daddy”

Welcome to the second installment of The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy!

Last week, I explained how this whole thing started, and took you from the Birth Announcement through Buddy’s first few days on the planet. Part two takes us through my first month as a new Dad.

IMG_2271 IMG_4625

In hindsight, I am SO HAPPY that I kept this Facebook journal! Otherwise, I wouldn’t remember squat! Looking back, I see that it didn’t take long to realize that all those warnings about life changing and no sleep were SO true! Enjoy:)

1. I explained to Buddy why men’s fascination with boobs continues through life, even after they stop feeding from them. He showed me how to pee straight over my head while laying down. We’re constantly learning from each other.

2. I was so happy when Buddy actually smiled at me for like, 4 seconds! His next action reminded me smiley faces are also a tell-tale sign of gas. The “PHHHHEEERRR” sound that erupted from his bum was bitter-sweet. But it left me smiling too, so I pressed that poopy diaper into his baby book:)

3. Today Buddy and I had a serious chat about treating women with respect. I know that right now, he only sees women as a pair of boobs. But he needs to realize all the sacrifices they go through for the sake of kids just like him. Be polite. Be funny. Be chivalrous. Just be sweet, even to the mean ones. They might just have a crush on him. That’s how real men roll.

4. What do you call a balding, toothless midget that does nothing but eat, sleep, and poop all day and night? My son.

5. I explained to Buddy the story of Christmas and how its actually about a baby just like him named Jesus. And even though it’s easy to get “wrapped up” in Santa and gifts, we need to remember the true meaning of the day. I vowed not to lose sight of that and spoil the boy. But then he smiled at me, so I bought him an iPad:)

6. Everyone keeps asking, what do I want for Christmas? I tell them “I’m good”, but they still persist. God love ’em for it. But, let’s see…I got to witness a miracle two weeks ago. I have a healthy and loving family, wonderful friends, a warm house, a little money in the bank, and food in the fridge. Save your money. I’ve got everything I need. Merry Christmas!

7. Yeah, you could say I’ve changed a little. I used to post jokes about donkey porn. Now I’m rocking a Baby Bjorn. Is this what growing up feels like?

8. I was up at 4am for work. No fun for me on this New Year’s Eve. Wifey said “The only person that had a drink last night was Buddy. He did a shot of breast-milk at midnight. He must’ve been ripped, because he passed out immediately.” Well, at least one of us had a good time. Happy New Year!

9. The more I get to know this kid, the more similarities I see between him and I. Expressions, the way he sleeps, etc. Coincidence? Will he truly be a mini-me? I can’t wait to find out. So cool to watch this little man grow and change each day! Let’s just hope that back hair & weenie size skip a generation, for his sake.

10. My, how definitions change after having a child! Vacation is a quick trip to the grocery store. Spa Day is a day that you have enough time to shower. Going out to dinner now means having food delivered. I thought I was a decent manager of time before. Now I see how much I wasted! Gotta run. I have 10 minutes, so I’m binge-watching TV, shaving, making soup, and taking a dump.