ATTACK OF THE KILLER BEES! Okay, BEE!

Bean, I think this apple is smarter than Daddy.

Let’s see…I needed someplace to go for our daily field trip, and I still hadn’t fed the boys lunch…Got it! COSTCO! Buddy and Bean ogled the sample ladies and feasted on tasty snacks while Daddy ogled $15 linen shirts and the colorful boxes full of Leinenkugel seasonal beers. It was a perfect afternoon, until…
The boys were strapped into their car seats, sharing a banana while I loaded up the SUV. Just before the lift-gate thunked shut, I saw a bee fly inside the trunk! My heart sank! Don’t panic, Jon! I double timed it to open the lift-gate and the front doors. For some reason, I thought to grab a banana of all things off the front seat, like it was a butcher knife from the kitchen counter. (Works in the movies, right?) Without alerting the boys, I inspected the vehicle. Nothing. I waited a minute. Still nothing. Yet something told me to take another look. Just as I started to dissect the boxes in back…ATTACK!!! 
That little buzzing bastard zipped right past my head! It’s okay now Jon….PANIC!!!! I tapped the close button on the gate as I circled the car, the bee dead on my ass! I slammed the doors shut! Now I can hear Buddy yelling from the car “WHAT’S WRONG DAD!?” What he witnessed next will take years to explain…Daddy, SWATTING and STABBING the air at some invisible assailant like a schizophrenic Mime! The little asshole buzzed my legs…KICK and a MISS! He hovered in my face…SWING and a MISS! I flung the banana across the parking lot in hopes that prick would follow. No good. He was not going to stop until he laid a stinger into my doughy ass! He came at my face once more…eyes on the ball Jon…The wind-up…the swing…POW!!! 
I knocked that honey-lovin’ little ass-stinger back a few feet and DARTED for the car!!! I SLAMMED the door behind me as that angry killer flew straight into my window like those dipshit birds that bounce off your house! My heart was racing! Calm down Jon, compose yourself. “Who were you fighting, Dad?” asked a confused and concerned Buddy. “A bee, Buddy. I was fighting a bee.” “Was he a big bee, Dad?” “No Buddy, not really.” “Then why were you scared, Dad?” BECAUSE I’M A PUSSY AND I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT YOU, I thought as I put the car in drive and pulled away, still looking over my shoulder…
F**k you, bee. Today is MINE!

CLASH OF THE COUPLES IS COMING…LITERALLY!!!



As I sat on the toilet, tapping out my submission for this book from my phone, hoping to get picked, I never imagined Shitter Draft 1 would have been accepted!? Yet, here we are! The mere fact that I’m on the same list as these writers is humbling to say the least. THANK YOU Michelle and Crystal for the nudge and the opportunity! And THANK YOU to all my friends following One Funny Daddy! Lets face it. If it weren’t for you stirring things up, I wouldn’t be typing this right now. Alright, I’m done sucking ass…Scroll down to take a peek inside ‘Clash’ and check out that list of writers! That list is lengthy, AND girthy!


                        

                         
CoupledomFact or fableAdam and Eve birthed the perpetual relationship drama as seen on TV today. Despite the serpents,this couple HAD IT MADE. Luxury real estate, lush gardens, and privacy out the yin-yangLife was glorious until the bare-bottomed babe could no longer resist temptation. Despite herbetter half’s warnings and threats to sleep in a tree, she tastedthe forbidden fruit. One bite of that seductive, juicy contrabandanthe stage was set for eternity a nibble that has blossomed into an endless supply of tiny tidbits that divide lovers to this day!

Taking a cue from the naked explorers of authentic sin, Clash of the Couples is a new anthology featuring a collection of completely absurd lovers’ squabbles and relationship spats.Think couples fight over kids, sex, and money? Think again! Furniture, the last beer, and where to store the placenta are what genuinely ignite our feuds. And no argument is off limits. This book has it all!

Inside you’ll find a gut-busting compilation of stories such as: “I Can’t Believe You Ate My Sandwich,” “Never Assume Anything,” “Only I Can Talk About Me,” and “You Want Some College Boobs?” from forty-three fearless writers. Prepare to laugh, roll your eyes, and shiver in suspense. While Eve may have had the first bite, we ate the whole tree. And made pies. 

Published by Blue Lobster Book Co.Clash of the Couples launches loudly and obnoxiously on November 3, 2014You’ll hear us coming, but look for it on Amazon, B&N, Apple, and other places where you typically buy books. For instant updates,follow along on Facebook!


This AMAZING lineup includes:

Andrew S. Delfino of Almost Coherent Parent
Crystal Ponti of MommiFried
Camille DeFer Thompson of Camille DeFer Thompson
Meredith Napolitano of From Meredith to Mommy
Chris Dean of pixie.c.d.
Linda Roy of elleroy was here
Kevin Zelenka of Double Trouble Daddy
Sarah Cottrell of Housewife Plus
R.C. Liley of Going Dad
Mary Widdicks of Outmanned
Marie Bollman of Make Your Own Damn Dinner
Ginny Marie of Lemon Drop Pie
Mike Reynolds of Puzzling Posts
Leigh-Mary Hoffmann of Happily Ever Laughter Blog
Lisa Petty of Lisa R. Petty
Lynn Shattuck of The Light Will Find You
Jeff Bogle of Out With The Kids
Stacey Gustafson of Are You Kidding Me?
Angela Godbout of FRaPS
Courtney Conover of The Brown Girl with Long Hair
Jenny Hills of Express Bus Mama 
Marcia Kester Doyle of Menopausal Mother
Julia Arnold of Frantic Mama
Jessica Azar of Herd Management
Susan A. Black of I Like That
Sarah del Rio of est. 1975
M. Nicole R. Wildhood of Naught Be All Else
Angela Keck of Writer Mom’s Blog
Alexa Bigwarfe of No Holding Back
Brian Sorrell of Dadding Full Time
Kathryn Leehane of Foxy Wine Pocket
April Grant of 100lb Countdown
Bev Feldman of Linkouture
Jodi Flaherty of The Noise of Boys
Scott Rigdon of Three Five Zero
Lydia Richmond of Cluttered Genius
Allie Burdick of VITA – Train for Life
Michelle Grewe of Crumpets and Bollocks
Barb Godshalk of Co-Author of Tall Tales and Short Stories from South Jersey
Jonathon Floyd of One Funny Daddy
Chris Carter of The Mom Cafe