The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy Pt. 6: A New “Birth” Announcement!

BAM! Welcome to week 6 of The Newbies Guide to One Funny Daddy!

Buddy was approaching 6 months old. He was starting to cut teeth and try solid food. And I felt like we were becoming…friends? Sleep was still a distant memory. I look back and realize these posts were obviously the ramblings of an exhausted madman! Yet they gave me something to focus on during all the crying and shitting;)

DSC_0077Every time I find Buddy spun around in his crib, I wish I’d never watched Paranormal Activity 2.

I look at starting a college fund a little like gambling. If Buddy turns out to be a moron and doesn’t go to school, it’ll be like hitting the jackpot in 18 years. But, if he’s a genius and wants to go to Harvard, maybe we should have doubled down? I’m hoping to get him a job with the circus around age 12. I think Ringling Brothers pays tuition reimbursement?

Before Buddy, the most victorious sounds I knew were the roar of a crowd at a concert or when a ball got knocked out of Wrigley. Now those victorious sounds are him giggling, or when he talks himself to sleep. That might sound boring to some, but, you’ll see:)

It’s almost time to start infusing a little food into Buddy’s diet. I wonder how that will go? He just loves them boobies! I relate a lot of situations to songs. In this case, it’s Beyoncé. “I don’t think food’s ready-for his belly-cuz his Mommy’s still boobylicious babay!”

I suspect Buddy is starting to cut a tooth for various reasons. One, the obvious white speck on his lower gum. Two, he’s chewing anything that’s not tied down. And finally, he’s acting like he has a jalapeño pepper crammed up his butt.

DO NOT mess with teething baby! I stuck my finger on Buddy’s lower gum to see if I could feel his toofer, when WHAM! He locked onto my finger like a slobbering bear trap! The kid has a jaw like a parrot and the tooth of a piranha! Thank God he unlatched when I showed him a picture of boobs!

I guess you could call me sentimental Dad. I figured this out when I almost cried during that new Pampers commercial.

I can’t tell you how excited I am now that a lot of friends my age are having babies! Now I won’t be the only dad with an 18 year old kid at my own retirement party.

In further attempt to prove my theory that man’s obsession with boobies starts as an infant, I tried the TV experiment with Buddy. I placed him in front of the “boob tube” and turned on cartoons. In a few short minutes, he was agitated and rambunctious. Then I turned on Playboy TV and paused on a full-screen pair of “test subjects”. In moments, he was docile and drooling. It’s all starting to make sense…

On the advice and nudging by two very smart people on separate occasions, (coincidentally both in the last two weeks, and you know who you are:) I’m taking my goofiness to next level. Coming soon… Blog. Vent. Whatever. If there’s one thing parents have, it’s funny stories. It’s in the works. We’ll see how it shapes up…