Let’s see…I needed someplace to go for our daily field trip, and I still hadn’t fed the boys lunch…Got it! COSTCO! Buddy and Bean ogled the sample ladies and feasted on tasty snacks while Daddy ogled $15 linen shirts and the colorful boxes full of Leinenkugel seasonal beers. It was a perfect afternoon, until…

The boys were strapped into their car seats, sharing a banana while I loaded up the SUV. Just before the lift-gate thunked shut, I saw a bee fly inside the trunk! My heart sank! Don’t panic, Jon! I double timed it to open the lift-gate and the front doors. For some reason, I thought to grab a banana of all things off the front seat, like it was a butcher knife from the kitchen counter. (Works in the movies, right?) Without alerting the boys, I inspected the vehicle. Nothing. I waited a minute. Still nothing. Yet something told me to take another look. Just as I started to dissect the boxes in back…ATTACK!!! 

That little buzzing bastard zipped right past my head! It’s okay now Jon….PANIC!!!! I tapped the close button on the gate as I circled the car, the bee dead on my ass! I slammed the doors shut! Now I can hear Buddy yelling from the car “WHAT’S WRONG DAD!?” What he witnessed next will take years to explain…Daddy, SWATTING and STABBING the air at some invisible assailant like a schizophrenic Mime! The little asshole buzzed my legs…KICK and a MISS! He hovered in my face…SWING and a MISS! I flung the banana across the parking lot in hopes that prick would follow. No good. He was not going to stop until he laid a stinger into my doughy ass! He came at my face once more…eyes on the ball Jon…The wind-up…the swing…POW!!! 

I knocked that honey-lovin’ little ass-stinger back a few feet and DARTED for the car!!! I SLAMMED the door behind me as that angry killer flew straight into my window like those dipshit birds that bounce off your house! My heart was racing! Calm down Jon, compose yourself. “Who were you fighting, Dad?” asked a confused and concerned Buddy. “A bee, Buddy. I was fighting a bee.” “Was he a big bee, Dad?” “No Buddy, not really.” “Then why were you scared, Dad?” BECAUSE I’M A PUSSY AND I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT YOU, I thought as I put the car in drive and pulled away, still looking over my shoulder…

F**k you, bee. Today is MINE!