The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy Pt. 3: Reality Sets In

Welcome to week three of The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy!

Remember that feeling you got when you bought a new house or a car? Now, remember how you felt when the excitement wore off and you realized you had to pay for that shit forever!? That was month two for me:)


I explained to Buddy one reason why music is called “The Soundtrack of Our Lives”. The brain creates “triggers” and links them with an emotion. It could be happiness, sadness, etc. So a certain song can trigger the same feeling you had 20 years ago. Every time I hear ‘Run, Run Rudolph’, I’ll think of the white-knuckled drive home from the hospital at 25mph! (Speed limit was 55:)

I got a taste of the protective, parental instinct. Some goofy bastard got a little too close in a store. I almost went all Liam Neeson in ‘Taken’ on his ass! Kinda like when two dogs rushed Wifey at 8 months. I instantly got into the ‘Karate Kid’ pose! Can you say DORK!?

Sometimes Buddy just cries for no apparent reason at all. Diaper’s dry. Jammies don’t smell like a homeless person. He’s not sick. He’s not gassed up. Wifey and I are baffled at times. But I tell her, “when in doubt, bust ’em out!” He must be hungry AGAIN!? Just a hunch, but boobs always seem to calm me down.

Zippers not snaps. Fuzzy caps. Long naps. Fat craps. Quick release bra straps. Breast milk fraps. (I’m trademarking that at Starbucks) These are a few of Buddy’s favorite things…


Is it normal that if I see someone drink milk now, the thought actually crosses my mind that I have to burp them? And if an adult does burp, that I say “that’s a gooood boooy!” out of habit!? Or, if someone says they have to drop a #2, I think I should probably go check the color!? I assume this is normal after being consumed by all things baby? If not, I’ve finally went totally bat-shit crazy.

I told Buddy one of my favorite quotes is “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” I swear he grinned at me as he tore a gut-ripping shit into his brand new, freshly-changed diaper. Hello insanity! Welcome back.

It’s hard to imagine this sweet little man EVER bad-mouthing us, right!? But then I picture him as a 15 yr old in a 1.5 month old’s body… (This is him texting his girlfriend) OMG WTF!? Wish my parents would STHU or GTHO! I just want milk and sleep! WTM!? (Where’s the milk) ROTFLMLBAO!!! (Roll on the floor laughing my little baby ass off:)

I’ve heard of nannies, but are there such things as a Boob Stand-In? Kinda like a boob stunt double? The boob double just keeps the kid amused until feeding time? Sure, all these toys work for a few minutes. But a boob keeps him amused for hours. I’m thinking of inventing a huge toy booby set that hang in the crib. Put a squeaky button on it that squirts 2% milk. The nips spin, etc…

The contrasts between Buddy and I make me laugh. His hair’s getting darker and thicker. Mine’s turning gray and falling out. He’s waiting on teeth to come in. I’m waiting for mine to fall out. He’s gaining coordination. I can barely tie my shoes and talk. The only similarity I can think of is that we’re both gaining two pounds a month.

Amazing how this kid changes each day! Buddy’s starting to become a little person, not just a screaming pee machine. More alert. “Talking” more. Smiling more. Sleeping MORE! Crying LESS! He still craps like a goose with IBS, but I’ll take it!!!!

Lessons learned thus far: Baby books aren’t always right, no kid comes with their own manual. Be patient, things change every day. Talk to your spouse, even when you’re exhausted/ready to choke each other. And just like Morgan Freeman said, “Spoil that child every chance you get.” The list goes on…

I was thinking… If I do pull off all 365 days and turn them into a book or whatever, what the hell am I gonna do if we have a second kid? I might as well just hand them money every day. Can you say “inferiority complex”?

If some baby clothes are as uncomfortable to wear as they are difficult to put on them, I can understand why kids run around naked all the time! I know how I feel when a collar is too tight, or my thong rides up on me. I hate stuffing him in some of these monkey suits when I know he doesn’t care if he’s wearing a pillow case. Admit it, we only dress them in that stuff for our amusement anyway!

Funny how the dialogue changes between adults after having a baby, especially when they’re “debating” an issue. You can say anything you want as long as you say it in baby voice. As if the baby’s saying it, not you. “Mommy was snorwing weal loud wast night.” Or, “It’d be real nice if Daddy could wearn to put the toi-wette seat down so Mommy doesn’t get her butt stuck in the bowl when she’s half a-sweep.”

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