Author Archives: OneFunnyDaddy

You Can Shove That Little Yellow Fella Straight Up Your Cat’s Eye!

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Really?

You’re looking at one of the hottest Christmas toys of 2011, My Keepon.
You know, everyday I brainstorm, hoping for that one idea that’s going to pop into my head and make me a millionaire. Obviously I haven’t thought of it yet, or I’d being doing body shots off a model in Aruba right now. I mean, I’d be out shopping with my wife, of course!;)
When I stumble across something such as this, it makes me want to donkey-kick the inventor of My Keepon dead in the twat. On the contrary though, it does remind me to never stop trying to create. Whether it’s the next Pet Rock, or a personal body hair groomer for metro-sexual dogs. 
The butt-plug that created this dancing, yellow thing struck gold. I can too!
 

SOMEONE GET THIS KID HIS MAMA!!!

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Um, you’re not Mama, buttface…

This has been a DOOZY of a day for this Dada! Mama J had to leave town for work today.  No worries. Jake and I have got our guy’s routine down to a science. Here’s the problem…

Jake’s feeling a bit under the weather, and my Super Dad powers just aren’t working today. His cold is my Kryptonite! Trying to get him down for his first nap was like trying to wrestle a writhing midget on meth! He would not stop crying! And the only thing he kept muttering was “Ma-muh, Ma-Muh!” He even belted out a machine-gun paced rant, “Mamamamamamamamamama”!

I felt helpless! But after another few ounces of magic milk, he succumbed to the exhaustion, and passed out. All day long, the only thing he’s said has been Mama. And all I can do to keep him calm is a lot of comforting, and more milk! I have so many bottle stains on my shirt, you’d think I was the one lactating! Jake is like a miniature functioning milkaholic. I went into his room as he was waking up from his restless, 50 minute nap. Before I was even around the corner, he mumbled an inquisitive “Mama?” By the expression on his face when he saw it was me, you’d think someone just kicked him in his baby nuts! I am counting the minutes until she returns home.

Just like the song says, “You Don’t Know What You Got ‘Til It’s Gone”. I never thought I’d say this, but Cinderella was right. Come home Mama! We need you!

It’s a Wonderful Life! Or Was it the Wife?

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National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is obviously one of the funniest and best Christmas movies of all time. I can’t NOT watch it every single year. 
But I have to say It’s a Wonderful Life is my all time favorite! I love the message. Be grateful for every single thing you have in your life. I nearly lose it at the end every time I see it.
I grew up watching this film year after year. As I started to notice girls, it didn’t take to long to figure out… Donna Reed was smoking hot!  
So is it the message, or Donna Reed that keeps me watching? I’d say it’s a 70/30 split. OK, maybe 60/40:)
Is she the 60, or the 40?

I’m So Happy, I think I might JIZZ GLITTER!!!

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GLITTER, I SAID RIP! NOT CONFETTI!

Christmas is only days away, and I feel mildly prepared this year! I’m secretly hoping my wife doesn’t work this week. I still feel like there’s so much to do and see! We have been dragging Jake’s little ass everywhere. Either he’s getting used to it, or he’s learned to sleep with his eyes open. What choice does he have really?:) I’m not sure if he gets what all the fuss is about yet? But when we ask him, “Where’s the Christmas tree little buddy?”, and he turns around and points to it, I get all misty eyed thinking of the years of fun ahead! 
I owe a ton to this little guy. He has no doubt brought our family closer together and put the joy back into the holiday season! I used to be a semi-Scrooge, but I’ve got the spirit now! What tugs on your heartstrings during the Christmas season???

What Do You Give the Baby Who Has Everything?

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I SAID iPAD2 ASSHOLE!
And by everything, I mean clothes, a warm bed, mushy food, and something to poop in (and on). Jake doesn’t care if we hand him an Xbox or a golf ball. He’s going to chew on it for a minute, and then cast it away like an empty bah-bah. I know some parents that go buck-wild on their baby’s Christmas gifts, and others that don’t buy their infants anything. I guess I’m somewhere in between on the issue. My question to you is, what is appropriate parental protocol for buying a one year old Christmas gifts?

I Need Answers. And I DON’T Wanna Hear DILDO!

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OK, my wife already knows almost everything she’s getting for Christmas. I was able to sneak-shop a little and get her one secret gift. But I need to give her something special. (Stop giggling, perverts) She’s the hardest working woman I know. And everything she does, she does it for our son and our family. So, I need to do something totally off the wall and unexpected. Something that says, “we appreciate you immensely!” It doesn’t have to cost a cent.
Assume that I’ve already bought the girly-girl essentials. Let’s have some ideas ladies! What would melt your heart? And DON’T SAY DILDO!:)

I’m FINALLY Getting My Christmas Sh*t Together!!!

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I can’t believe that Jon guy has never watched this before!?

After MASS taunting yesterday, I finally made it a priority to watch A Christmas Story! Funny stuff! Now I understand all those one liners that have slipped right past me for years! It makes me wonder if that movie is the reason why some of my family goes to a Chinese restaurant every year for Christmas dinner?

I’m trying to re-establish and build new traditions as a proud new papa. Tell me, what are some of your favorite family traditions? No matter how silly or insignificant you think they may seem, I’d like to hear them!

A Very "Sticky" Situation, Not Many Like To Discuss

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Do I look like I have Swine Flu, Asshole!?
Jake went for his one year check-up today. Thankfully everything looks great. The Doctor said according to some chart, Jake should grow to be around 5’11” and thin. That’s funny. According to most charts, I should weigh 135 pounds!
After the basic exam banter, the conversation turned to a topic my wife and I generally avoid “like the plague”. That topic is Jake’s vaccination schedule. We both agree in an EXTREMELY minimalistic approach to immunizations. It’s not that we want our child to get sick. Although, no one can give us a satisfactory explanation on why we need to pump Jake full of chemicals to help prevent Swine Flu and Hepatitis! In his first few days here on Earth, the hospital’s immunization schedule called for nearly a DOZEN different shots. I’m sorry, but we didn’t see Jake banging any needle abusing Hepatitis patients in his near future, so we declined. 
I consider my wife and I to be adamant on educating ourselves thoroughly when it comes to our son. We do the research, talk to the Doctor, and talk to parents just like you. Based on that consensus, we come to a conclusion. When it comes to vaccinations, an overwhelming majority of the information we find is not good. We have heard story after story from parents who said that they noticed significant changes in their children after vaccination shots. My heart aches to say, in some cases, their children passed away soon after a round of shots. Not to mention, all the research that shows the metals found in many of the shots contributing to autism, etc. There is an eye-opening DVD called Shoot ‘Em Up. The Truth About Vaccines. I believe that even the biggest skeptics would have a hard time debating some of the points in this video.

I know there are two schools of thought. One says that if we don’t vaccinate our kids, won’t those diseases re-emerge? The other says, those diseases are long gone, why vaccinate? The battle continues…

This is a heated topic to say the least. Who’s right? Maybe we both are. I just want your opinion. Don’t egg my house:)

Things Are About To Get FREAKY!

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Nothin’ makes people open a link like BOOTY!

Jake’s birthday party was a huge success! Tons of family showed up to help us celebrate. It was a great day fo’sho’! Not only did Jake get a ton of cool gifts, us grown-ups had a good time too! I think that had much to do with the chicken chunks, potato wedges, cupcakes, beer, and booze?

Anywho, now that ‘Jake 365’ is complete, the pressure is off! I can post whatever I want! I hope you stick around, cuz things are about to get freaky!:)

And cake…

DAY 365! ‘JAKE 365’ COMPLETE! HAPPY BDAY BABY BOY!!!

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One year ago today at 9:26am, our beautiful, 7lb 7oz, 20.5″ long, baby boy was born. Mama J and I  had whittled a long list of names down to two. After taking one look at him, we settled on Jacob.

Since then, a bet from my wife and friends led to ‘Jake 365’. ‘Jake 365’ then spun into http://www.onefunnydaddy.com and it’s Facebook page. (see http://www.onefunnydaddy.com/2011/06/let-me-introduce-myself.html)

I just want to say THANK YOU to all of you that inspired and encouraged this journey, and continue to inspire me every day! I think all of our posts, advice and jokes are what get us both through the tougher times. Just because Jake turned one, doesn’t mean this all grinds to a halt. I need you! We’re just getting started!

I literally have to run. The car is warming up. Time to pick up food and put the finishing touches on the house for the big party!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON!!! I promise that these last 365 days of posts will be neatly compiled into a book for you to read somewhere down the line! Thank you for teaching me the true meaning of family, responsibility, and unconditional love. I love ya, little buddy.

We’ll see you all later:)