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The Newbie’s Guide to One Funny Daddy: Allow Myself to Re-Introduce…Myself

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For those friends that have been with me from the beginning, scroll right past this post to the next funny cat video or GIRLS BE LIKE meme. Although for you newbies, this post might actually help us get to know each other a little better.

It has taken so long for my little page (and me) to grow up, that I’m not quite sure if I have really introduced myself since the beginning?

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The Original Gangstas. That’s Buddy and I, circa 2010. Like with the new cover pic including Bean, I shot that in the front yard on a picnic blanket with an iPhone. I’m a true professional.

Rather than write some boring little biography, I went back to the place it all started, Facebook.

Facebook has been my journal throughout the entire evolution of One Funny Daddy. I travelled back to posts starting in 2010, and pieced together a timeline that tells the story of a man-child maturing into a father.

This will be the first installment of these Story Teller type posts. Consider them the Cliff Notes of One Funny Daddy. I will compile a string of “Best-Of” posts that condense almost four years of good times into a few minutes of reading. After reading these posts, I’ll let you decide just how much maturing I have done.

Let us start back in February of 2010. These 13 posts will take you from the announcement through the birth, to the “idea”. I hope you follow along:)

(((Cue harpy-sounding, going back in time music)))

1. There is a reason for my recent burst in maturity. No, it’s not Manopause. You’ve called me many things in the past. But soon you’ll be able to call me….DAD!!! Confirmed today. Due date, November 24th! MY BIRTHDAY! How’s that for smart semen!?

2. Learning about childbirth has given me a greater respect for Moms. Guys, imagine carrying and protecting a water balloon in our bellies (don’t forget, no beer) for 9 months, only to squeeze it out of our pie-holes while our wife stands by and watches. Admit it. We are wimps. We couldn’t do it. Kiss your wives and spoil your kids.

3. In birthing class, I learned that the Ferguson reflex is the female body’s response to pressure in your hoo-hah, producing oxytocin and increasing contractions until the baby is delivered. Meaning it makes you push. It’s similar to what occurs when you (in medical terms) drop a deuce. So the next time you’re all bound up after a few Mexi-Melts, just twerk your Fergie Reflex!

4. I get creeped out by some of these older natural childbirth books. It’s not the actual baby-popping-out part. It’s the 70’s porn-star looking women that are popping them out. They’re just so…hairy! I mean their “baby-chutes” look like the Geico Caveman’s face!!! EEEK!

5. Wifey and I can’t decide if we want to know the sex of the baby? So, we had the result sealed in an envelope to be opened later if we choose. We cracked in just under 3 hours. It’s a boy!!!

6. I am really starting to benefit by adapting some of the women’s exercises taught in Baby School. For example, the Kegel. I’m gaining laser-like urinary force and precision. I could bust out the pee-shooter right now and knock a pop can off a 6 ft fence from 10 paces! Draw!!!

7. This guy is mentally transitioning from a (self proclaimed) mack-daddy/high roller, to a proud daddy pushin’ a stroller! From fist-pumpin’ to breast-pumpin’! From all night bashes to diaper rashes! And you know what? I feel…awesome! It means I get to be a kid again too. You really think those toys I’m buying are for the baby?

8. I wonder if the womb-music thing actually works? The kid was punchin’ Wifey in the uterus in perfect 4/4 time! If he had sticks in his hands, he could have been playing AC/DC’s ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’!

9. Try dealing with a huge belly, bloating, gas, swollen ankles, mood-swings, odd cravings, and tender nipples… Not to mention, my wife is pregnant.

10. No baby yet, but there’s some blips on the radar. If she pops tonight, our natural labor induction story will be Portillo’s chocolate shakes, lots of Motley Crüe, and dancing in the Dr’s office. Again, sorry if I haven’t been able to answer your calls, etc. Trust me, we’re busy. Wish us luck!

11. Better late than never! Buddy has arrived! We’ve been awake since 8am on Thursday and we still can’t settle down! I am so proud of our little team, especially Wifey. No epidural. No pitosin. Just a lot of courage. An amazing story. Thanks everybody for everything along the way!!!

12. I am becoming the dorky Dad with the huge camera! I apologize if we haven’t called you personally yet. Facebook is the easiest way to update. Wifey’s recovering, Buddy is perfect. He’s got more nicknames than days out of the womb! He went through several wardrobe changes last night, hence his newest…BABY GAGA!

13. I had an idea. Then, two friends suggested similar things, solidifying my notion. And THEN, Wifey bet me I could NOT do it! So, I think I might try it? ‘365 Days in the Life of Buddy’, or ‘Buddy’s Lessons’? I have to log something (hopefully entertaining) that we talk about each day for an entire year! And I can not make these posts up! Then I will probably turn them into some sort of book for Buddy. One condition, if you like it, someone has to call Oprah for me. My hands are full!

Still no call from Oprah yet. Oh well. Until next time…

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I DID IT! There it is, the finished product. ‘Buddy 365’. One whole year of posts and then some…still sitting in the same pile as they were in 2012:)

Let Me Introduce Myself…

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Hello! My name is Jonathon. I’m a soon-to-be 40 year old, married shift worker (there’s a reason why songs written about shift work), self proclaimed weekend rockstar with a short attention span, off-beat sense of humor, and a penchant for cheap beer and loud music.
In December 2010, my life changed forever. I became a DAD! It was the most wonderful, exciting, yet terrifying day of my life! After all the unknowns through a mildly turbulent pregnancy, our son was here! My beautiful wife naturally delivered a perfect baby boy! After I finished crying, I wanted to shout from the rooftops!
In this case, my rooftop was Facebook. Each day I posted something new about the first crazy days of being a proud new Daddy. The sleepless nights, my experiences with tar-like poop, anything that struck me as funny. Soon after I began posting, my wife and a few friends bet me that I couldn’t post something each day for an entire year. Hence, ‘JAKE 365’ was “born”.  I thought it was a cool challenge and at the end I planned to turn the posts into a book for Jakey boy. After a few weeks, it really started shaping into something very funny and therapeutic. The responses I received from parents were priceless! In those responses, I soon learned that my wife and I were NOT alone! It was normal to sometimes feel scared, frustrated, exhausted, and a little insane.  
Throughout the entire pregnancy, and still to this day, the best advice we’ve gotten hasn’t come from the piles of baby manuals we’ve read, it’s came from other parents just like you! I created One Funny Daddy as a place to share those lessons learned, a place to vent, and finally, a place to talk about toys and boobs as much as I want!
Sometimes being a parent is tough. Especially since now there’s TWO OF THEM! It takes a lot of love, patience and sacrifice. Some days make you want to fake your own death and move to Costa Rica. But even during bad days, there is humor there if you just pay attention. That is what I love. That is what I write about. This is a personal journey through the eyes of a first time Dad. I’m going to need your help along the way. I hope you’ll follow me:)