|Why am I always chasing THIS guy!?
If you think the following sounds familiar, you’re right. Most of it is taken from a post I wrote back in 2012. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I fucked up again…
Ever since I can remember, I was known as the funny fat kid. I would go on some fad diet and lose weight, but then I was really just a “skinny-fat” funny kid. This has been going on for over 20 years. About 6 years ago, I was in what I considered to be the best shape of my life. I weighed 185 pounds, I had 12% body fat, I was strong, and I could run for miles. Then, I had an injury. Nothing major, just a busted wrist. But, it was the beginning of my next downward spiral. I let all those good habits and hard work get spoiled by bad habits and laziness. My past time became grilling and drinking beer. I put on 30 pounds, again. For these last few years, I had gotten back in the habit of exercising. Not as much as I should have, but at least I was moving again. But, the grilling and drinking kept those 30 pounds right where they didn’t belong…hanging around my mid-section! In 2012, I got “inspired” again. I essentially went Vegetarian and got into Yoga. Like magic, I dropped those 30 pounds, again, in just under 4 months. Fast forward to 2013. Bean was born. I worked more hours that year than ever before. Good habits reverted to bad, and guess what? I gained those 30 pounds right back, again.
(I think I see a pattern here;)
I received a little “Wake-Up Call” yesterday in the form of a slap in the face from two different Doctors. I won’t get into the boring details, but I have been shirking off obvious health issues for a few years. I don’t need medicine. Nothing’s going to happen to me, right? Wrong. I was basically told the only reason I haven’t wound up ON the ground yet is because I am still (relatively) young, and still in (relatively) decent health. My body has been able to cope with itself. But my baseline for “healthy” keeps getting lower and lower. Holy shit. This is real. I can’t ignore “it” anymore.
I realize that I have rarely been motivated by being healthy. I have just focused on losing a few pounds, not eliminating all the factors (like the gallon of Monster I was drinking every day) that are keeping me fat and unhealthy. Poor me, right? Maybe this is just how I’m supposed to be. Tired, sluggish, achy, hung-over feeling, overweight, shameful and guilty because I just can’t do what I know has to be done. Complete failure. Again. (I think I see a pattern here;)
I lost my Mom at the age of 55 to lung cancer. I am already 40. When I am 55 years old, Buddy will hopefully be in college. Bean will be graduating from High School. There may even be more of “them” someday:) The thought of me being IN the ground by then is terrifying!
Will I stick to my guns this time? There’s no choice. Yes, I have said that before! But then, the motivation was more about fitting into smaller clothes. This time it’s a matter of increasing my time here on the planet ABOVE ground. I have to do this for my family. Most importantly, I have to do this for me. My self esteem. My confidence. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin for once since I was a kid. I want to meet my children’s children. Finally, I want to look back fondly at the funny fat kid, smile, and wave goodbye.